a state of mind

is really what it is. So Ive been here not even a week but Ive realized so much. My whole last year. It's good that I went back, I had to really.

I came to california for a reason, for love and hopes for a better life. Well it turned out the opposite. The exact opposite. The first three months, I barely remember, they were too painful. Then my vacation back to Italy was paradise. Then back here again to California, and I changed my mind set and actually started to live instead of always be miserable and sit and wait.

However, even though I lived, and had fun, it was still painful. Going back to Italy was something that I had looked forward to since day one that I sat foot on californian soil. sounds really bad to say, and really bad to hear. It's not that Im thankful, it's just that when love is involved it always takes it to another level. I started to live to protect myself from the pain I was feeling, the pain of a broken heart. However, when I got back to Italy after 9 months, it was really weird. I was rejecting it in a way, it was something that also had caused me pain.

Then I found my way back to Italy and I got to know my man again and it was like we had never been apart. I remember after being back for a couple of weeks we sat down and talked, and we didn't talk about the months that had past, it was too painful, we tried, we started but since we had been suffering, we just let it go, then we talked like we never had parted, only that know it was so much better, a deeper understanding, more maturity and more intensity, and then he said... this is what real love feels like. yes, this is what real love feels like!

however, I had made a promise to myself, that I had to go back to the states so that I wouldn't be able to say in the future "if I only had gone back to the states?" you know, things that you say when you regret not having done them, and I didn't want to be able to say so, so off I went.

Im happy I did, cause now I realize my whole past year in cali was all pain, cause I have the same pain now, being away from him, it's aching, and it really hurts, and I told him that I can't do this one more time, that Im coming back home and that Im ready to stay forever. his answer was Im happy you're coming home. Im happy to finally be happy!

and I'm not wasting my time. Ive made great connections and great deals. I just need to go home get my life going and put them into action. This time is for real.

it is important that I stop playing around now, this is life, I got one shot, one opportunity, and I will take it!