november rain in may

it's raining, again! it's also really cold, and that's weird cause now I'm back in Rome, and it's supposed to be warm now, we're supposed to be at the beach. instead Im closed inside at home, still with the down covers and the heaters on. the latter I wish I had skipped maybe, cause I just woke up and the sweat was running down my face and neck...however I do believe that I have the fever as well.

I haven't written in awhile, as you may or may not have noticed, for obvious reasons, all depending on if you're reading this blog or not.
I didn't write, because I felt that I had nothing to write about. I'm a bit desperate. Actually a lot so. I need to find myself a job.
A satisfying job, where I can use my skills and my creativity (that is still there, I promise!)
My man is worried about me. He doesn't want me to help him at the club anymore either, cause when I do, Im there until five, and there are some days, that my body won't let me get out of bed. I have no strength anymore. He thinks that I'm depressed. I might be, but I know I'm not. I'm just tired of the situation. a situation not entirely only depending on me. also on the f-ing crisis, and italian politics.
I just love my man so much. He has such a great patience with me. He really does. I'm NOT easy to live with, well actually I am, if I would only have a job. I'm actually very easy to live with. I clean, I cook (not as much as I want to due to the kitchen situation) and and and... I have many other great skills!!

Thursday (after a long wednesday night) I got a message from my best friend Z, she wrote in the message that her "older brother J passed away in his sleep last night." i was home alone, starring at the message. reading it over and over again.
then i put down the phone hoping that when I took it back up again, the message wouldn't be there. that it wouldn't be true.
the message was still there. I wanted to answer her right away, I couldn't. i was crying so much that my sight was blurry.
He had cancer. He got rid of it once. then the bastard cancer came back.
I remember when I over a year ago was in Sweden, chatting to him, and he was down because of his illness, he said some stupid comment that it didn't matter what he did, because "who knew for how long he would live." I remember I got so angry with him, that my mother was wondering who I was talking to on the computer. I typed back that he shouldn't think like that, that I refused to have him be down like that. that he had to do something. i told him to write a blog about it. he asked me what to write about. I said, write about anything you want to, it's your blog! write about the stupid cancer or your anger, then you get rid of it, but please don't give up! he started the blog, and sent the link over to me. I was so happy! Then he didn't write anymore, but he didn't give up!
My memories of Jason are all filled with smiles. He was great! Splendid! Actually there are not enough words to describe him. I wish I could, maybe one day I will. Now it hurts too much to know that he won't be reading my words anymore, or edit my text, like he so often did when I was at uni.
I didn't get out of bed for two days, didn't eat, I've been crying, I've been angry and smiling about our good memories and now....now I wanted to write about him, but I can't, I don't want to except that he is gone. Even though he isn't. I've seen him around, I know he's not suffering anymore, and I know that he won't leave us alone. He will be here looking after us.
RIP sweet sweet J.

i'll try and do what I told you to do last year. I'm going to start to blog again. Also cause today i was watching a movie, julia&julie, and finally i got some of my creativity back. and slowly slowly my will to get myself out of my situation. it will be better, and, i know J is looking down on me smiling.